Meet the Captain
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Companion piece to “How in the Hell Did I Lose to You?” and “Switching Teams”- A glimpse of what it’s like to ask Zaraki Kenpachi for something.


**Title:** Meet the Captain  
**Author:** Celeste  
**Rating:** PG-13 (there be some shounen-ai here...)  
**Feedback:** (yes!) HisagixAyasekawa (Yaaay Crack!)  
**Spoilers:** God yes. Don't read this or the whole arc at all if you haven't at least caught up to around 173 chapter wise.  
**Summary:** Companion piece to "How in the Hell Did I Lose to You" and "Switching Teams"- A glimpse of what it's like to ask Zaraki Kenpachi for something.  
**Word Count:** 2,514  
**Time:** Like all day. With the exception of some time I spent adding a few lines to an old Fruits Basket fic.  
**A/N:** Apparently I've started writing fic arcs in threes now. O.o This is my…3rd 3-part Bleach fic spree? Odd. And I _still_ need to write more One Piece, goddammit. ARGH. Anyway, hopefully this will end my crack-full ShuuheixYumichika OTP fixation for a little while and let me work on my entry for the IchixRuki April fic contest, like I'd planned too. Yes. crosses fingers And just for the record, I am a world of LAME. But I tried to make this funny, I did. It just didn't want to turn out that way. --;;  
**Dedication:** Greg, for helping me with this fic. XD Yes, you heard me.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, alas. I wouldn't mind borrowing Hisagi any time though. XD  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

"So… Yumi-chan tells me you want to take him away from the 11th division. Why?"

Shuuhei's brow jumped slightly. _Yumi-chan?_

Kenpachi, smoking menacingly on his pipe in the relative dark of his office, grunted in impatience when Hisagi didn't respond right away. "Well, boy?"

_Boy?_

Shuuhei cleared his throat and attempted not to be irritated by Zaraki's complete lack of respect for a fellow officer. "After reviewing all applicants for the vice-captain position I've come to the conclusion that Ayasekawa-san is the most fitting…"

Kenpachi snorted and irreverently upturned the end of his pipe into the overflowing ashtray on his table, signaling to Shuuhei that he wasn't buying it. "If you're gonna waste my time, you might as well fight me or somethin', at least that'd be a little less boring."

This obviously wasn't going well. "Excuse me," Shuuhei apologized stiffly.

Seated primly behind Kenpachi, Yumichika frowned. "Taichou…"

"Oi, be quiet, Yumi-chan. Let your boy speak, huh?"

Hisagi couldn't quite keep the indignant expression off of his face at the moniker-plus-possessive.

_Your boy_?

He was _not._

From over Kenpachi's shoulder, Ayasekawa, noticing Hisagi's murderous expression, looked at him imploringly, eyes screaming something along the lines of, _"you've got to do better than that, Hisagi!"_

Shuuhei somehow managed to keep from glaring at Ayasekawa and turned his focus back on Kenpachi, whose precious little patience seemed to be diminishing exponentially by the second.

"Uh…well, I think he would be an asset to my team, and since we have a strong friendship already, the issue of trust…"

Kenpachi started picking his ear with his pinky. "Look, kiddo, this going anywhere sometime soon? 'Cuz I can just save us a lot of time now and say you can't have him."

Shuuhei bristled internally. "He's not your property!" he blurted, unwittingly.

Yumichika's expression of horror gave him pause to reflect on what he'd just said.

_Oh shit…_

Kenpachi, oddly enough, burst out laughing. "So he does have some personality, Yumi-chan. You were beginning to worry me," he posed to the 5th seat casually, smoking away. "Thought you'd gotten all stupid over some cardboard cut-out or somethin'."

_Cardboard?_

Shuuhei's eyes narrowed dangerously. He was _not_ cardboard.

And was just about to tell Kenpachi exactly that, save for the frantic warning look Yumichika was throwing at him. Complete with slicing motions across his neck.

_Yeah, yeah. Stop_.

He took a deep breath. "I assure you that as his captain, I would er…take good care of him…"

Yumichika beamed.

"…as I would any other shinigami serving under my command."

Beam effectively destroyed.

As was Kenpachi's laughter, apparently. The 11th division captain's uncovered eye narrowed dangerously. "Just like any other, huh?"

Shuuhei felt the accompanying spirit pressure raise the hairs on the back of his neck slightly. Clenching his teeth, he willed himself to keep from responding in like. "Ah…what I meant to say was…you see…"

"Ah…taichou…"

"Mmm?"

"Could you…stop that?"

Kenpachi blinked at Yumichika's request. "Oh. Sorry Yumi-chan. Forgot you were there. Heh. Wimp." Pressure immediately gone.

Ayasekawa pouted. "Taichou is just insensitive to this sort of thing!" he sniffed, playfully.

Shuuhei looked back and forth between them incredulously.

The thought, '_Like a bickering father and daughter'_ flitted through his head briefly.

A freakishly weird father and daughter.

"Oi…what're you lookin' at, boy?"

Hisagi blinked.

_Again with the 'boy'?_

"I uh…" The newly appointed 9th division captain clenched his teeth. "Nothing."

"So, you were sayin'? Something 'bout how you're gonna be treatin' Yumi-chan here?"

Suddenly reminded of Shuuhei's coldness, Ayasekawa frowned, looking down at his lap.

Shuuhei felt like an ass even though he was _still_ convinced he hadn't done anything wrong and that the 11th division was just full of nutjobs.

"Well, not exactly the same, maybe…"

Ayasekawa looked up, hopeful.

Shuuhei felt like less of an ass. Though he maintained that he'd done nothing wrong thus far and Kenpachi was a nutjob.

"…I think he and I have a good…um…dynamic between the two of us."

Kenpachi grinned, but it wasn't in a happy way. "So…you've already…tested this dynamic of yours, have you?"

"Taichou!"

"Just askin', Yumi-chan. Don't get yer panties in a twist, eh?"

Ayasekawa harrumphed, slight blush tinging his cheeks in the orange glow of the candlelit office.

Shuuhei felt an encroaching blush by default. "I didn't…mean it in any disrespectful way," he assured Zaraki. "We've just been spending more time together and…"

Kenpachi's manic expression intensified.

Maybe that had been the wrong way to take the interpretation.

Shuuhei backtracked. "I've seen his strength in battle, and I know his good character…"

Kenpachi grunted. Hisagi noted that it took exactly two seconds for him to go from looming threat to completely uninterested in everything that the 9th division captain had to say.

"I know his good character too, boy-toy. I don't need a lesson on my own men."

Shuuhei almost wanted to snap at Zaraki that no, he _didn't_ know his own men, not like he thought he did, but refrained on Ayasekawa's behalf.

This was a matter of diplomacy, a show of respect from one captain to another. Shuuhei tried his best to remain dignified. Clearing his throat, he straightened his posture, and fighting the blush, announced, "I would like Ayasekawa to be a member of my team because he is someone who I can trust to watch my back, just as he can trust me to watch his. He is an important friend to me."

Kenpachi looked momentarily cowed. "I see."

Shuuhei breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

"So…what's that 69 on your face mean, boy-toy?"

The 9th division captain blinked incredulously.

_What the hell was that!_

_And 'boy-toy'!_

"What, it got some kind of pervy meaning or somethin'? Speak up!"

"Taichou, that's impolite!"

"What? It could mean somethin' dirty and then you'd be stuck with a weird pervert for a captain, Yumi-chan… I'm just lookin' out for your best interests, 's all," Kenpachi explained, eye never leaving its appraising, unimpressed circuit of Shuuhei's smaller form.

"I'm not a pervert!" Shuuhei insisted, when Ayasekawa gave him a funny look on Zaraki's suppositions. He glowered back at the larger captain. "And I'm not obligated to relate the significance of something so personal to you, Zaraki."

Kenpachi looked triumphant. "So it _is_ some sort of weird fetish."

Shuuhei sweatdropped. Made a gargled noise of frustration in the back of his throat.

Ignoring him, Zaraki turned back to Ayasekawa. "Yumi-chan, this weird pervert hasn't done anything strange to you, has he? Tell me if he did, I'll cut off his fingers and make him choke on 'em. Just gimme the word."

Ayasekawa looked vaguely horrified. "Taichou! He hasn't even _touched_ me, I swear!"

Zaraki, rather than being comforted by the revelation, glowered dangerously. "What, Yumi-chan not _good_ enough for you now?"

Shuuhei sputtered. "What! But you just…"

So much for dignity.

Kenpachi snorted, pouring himself a cup of sake and downing it easily. "I don't want Yumi-chan going to some weird pervert, but I don't want someone who doesn't appreciate him properly either, ya got me?"

Hisagi's cheeks reddened. "This isn't that kind of… I don't feel…"

This time both Ayasekawa and Kenpachi looked intently at him. "Don't _what?_"

_Shit._

Shuuhei scrambled. "I… don't feel the need to discuss aspects of our personal relationship with someone who has no such authority to inquire as to such!"

Nice save, Yumichika looked like he wasn't going to cry now.

Not that it mattered or anything…

Shuuhei frowned to himself and fought back the encroaching feeling of his being an ass, deciding that there was time for that later, when he was out of Zaraki's manic clutches.

"So you admit to there bein' a personal relationship?"

"Yes."

Really, Shuuhei had never seen Ayasekawa look so thrilled.

Bastard could have at least waited until they were both _safe_ to throw him the sparkly eyes.

"Touching and all that, but there's just somethin' I don't like about you, perv-boy."

_Perv-boy!_

Rapidly, rapidly, Hisagi Shuuhei was losing what he had thought was a pretty impressive reserve of patience. Teeth clenched, he ground out a rough, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way. For the record, I dislike you as well."

Ayasekawa hid his head in his hands despairingly.

Shuuhei resolved to make it up to him later.

Not that he was at fault or anything. But he would anyway.

Barely managing to maintain the cusp of civility, the 9th division captain turned his gaze downward. "I feel that this meeting can only continue to deteriorate, Zaraki. Ayasekawa and I will take our leave of you before things get out of hand."

"That's nice, you leave. Yumi-chan stays."

The smaller captain looked up, blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Didn't hear me, boy-toy? Lemme make it clear. I've decided you're no good for Yumi-chan. You can't have him," Kenpachi announced, crossing his arms and looking almost as imperial as goddamned Kuchiki Byakuya himself.

Shuuhei gaped. "What do you mean 'I can't have him'!" For some reason, that, more than any of Zaraki's petty insults, pissed the newly appointed 9th division captain off irreparably. Feeling dangerously close to violence, Hisagi raised his voice menacingly.

"I came to you out of respect for your team's ludicrous procedures. The issue of whether I am going to have him is moot point at this time. This meeting was purely due to the personal request he made of me!"

"Hisagi-san…" Ayasekawa started, "Don't…"

Shuuhei stood up. "Don't start, Ayasekawa. This has long since ceased being a courteous exchange." Narrowing his eyes, Hisagi put his hand challengingly on the hilt of his sword. "Ayasekawa is mine as of today. The paperwork has already been cleared and approved by the council for days now. Pending my signature, he will no longer be a member of your division."

Kenpachi's one eye looked back at him excitedly. "Oooooh? That so? Hey…if Yumi-chan's your vice-captain now, all official like you're sayin', if I kill you, that mean he gets another promotion?" Zaraki's anticipatory glee at the prospect of bloodshed washed through Hisagi's body, a feeling of pure, murderous intent. "I'm all curious now. Let's see, shall we?"

Shuuhei held his ground, allowed his own spiritual energy to wash out protectively around him. "I'll accept your crass challenge, Zaraki. But don't expect mercy on my part simply because Ayasekawa is fond of you."

"Ha! Now we're getting somewhere, boy. I'll let you have the first attack."

"Acknowledged." Shuuhei ignored Ayasekawa's pleading expression, pointedly looking away from the now immobile shinigami, though not before his eyes apologized for the pain Ayasekawa was undoubtedly feeling under his and Zaraki's combined spiritual pressure.

Around them, the candles blew out, rendering the 11th division captain's quarters almost completely black. Shuuhei made to summon his soul slayer.

"KEN-CHAN! NE, KEN-CHAN!"

"Oh fucking hell."

Zaraki's spiritual pressure collapsed.

Shuuhei was too surprised to keep himself from stumbling as the paralyzing energy dissipated instantly. "Meh?"

Zaraki sighed and fell back into a sitting position, looking sorely disappointed. "Dammit! Ruin my fun…"

Something slammed into the back of Shuuhei's skull.

"Whaddya want, Yachiru?" Zaraki questioned tiredly, though it seemed as if he was looking directly at Hisagi as he said it.

Dizzily, the 9th division captain realized that there was something sitting on his _head._

When he heard it speak, he realized it was a little girl­

"KEN-CHAN!" the little pink-haired fury accused, pointing at the enormous captain and frowning in such a manner that could only be called deadly-cute. "_You_ said you'd only scare Shuu-chan for a _little_ while and then we could have our party for Yumi-chan! You're too slow!"

Shuuhei stared up at the child-sized growth perched over the top of his head.

_Scare Shuu-chan?_

Wait… _Shuu-chan_!

"I'm boooored, Ken-chan! Let's hurry and have the party now, okay?"

Kenpachi sweatdropped. "Oi, Yachiru…you totally ruined my atmosphere," he complained, blowing smoke sullenly out of the corner of his mouth. "I almost had boy-toy wettin' his pants here."

_Wetting his pants_?

He had _not_.

Ayasekawa breathed a sigh of relief. "Taichou, you were just joking? That's not nice!" he admonished, tossing his hair though it was obvious he wasn't really mad at Zaraki at all. Not even on Shuuhei's behalf.

_Idiot. _

Kenpachi grinned, laughing raucously and rubbing the back of his head at Ayasekawa's good-natured accusation. "Well, if you're gonna leave we've gotta make sure you're gonna be in good hands, right? I don't just let my men go like that."

Ayasekawa smiled prettily, eyes all a-sparkle. "Thank you, taichou."

Shuuhei's incredulity was now at 100.

He took a deep, calming breath. "Waitaminute…so that whole thing…and the… you were…"

"Yup!" Yachiru announced melodically, bouncing down onto Shuuhei's shoulder. "Shuu-chan sure is brave to challenge Ken-chan! Shuu-chan would have _died!" _she giggled, patting his head in a placating manner before jumping off of him and landing lightly on the floor.

Shuuhei made a face.

_Died_?

Would _not._

Maybe.

"This is crazy," he blurted instead, relaxing his grip on his zanpakutou. "All of you are crazy."

Kenpachi leered. "And you're one of _us_ now," he chortled, teeth showing. "Welcome to the family, kid. I've gotta feelin' our divisions will get along _great._"

_Kid?_

Shuuhei was tempted to go for his weapon again, but restrained himself because Ayasekawa looked so goddamn happy all of a sudden.

"One last thing, boy."

_Boy!_

He was _really_ sick of being called that.

"What?" he ground out instead, reminding himself that the ridiculous, juvenile little trial was over and there was no more torture Zaraki could impart on his person because for the most part, Hisagi had overcome the challenge. Sort of. Maybe. The prize of his efforts, as a prize, was debatable.

He eyed a luminously happy Ayasekawa, who was blushing like some sort of damned new bride.

"This is last thing I'm gonna say to you on the matter, promise," the 11th division captain assured him amiably.

"And that would be…?"

Kenpachi leaned in close then, face right in front of Shuuhei's, single eye roving dangerously over the smaller captain. His voice dropped so that it was only the two of them privy to his words. "You ever make Yumi-chan cry an' I'll rip you apart an' let Yachiru use the pieces for playtime, got me?"

The threat was accompanied by a concentrated shove of spiritual power.

Shuuhei swallowed, but managed to keep from being knocked off his feet. "Understood."

Kenpachi's smile turned instantly affable and he reached out, slapping Shuuhei heartily on the shoulder. "Good answer, boy. Good answer. Now, let's go have that party!" Then, calling over his shoulder, he shouted, "You're a _man_ today, Yumi-chan! We're gonna celebrate!"

"Yaaaaay, party! Ken-chan was so slow! Everyone's been waiting for so long!" Yachiru bounced, springing up to reclaim her rightful position on Zaraki's back as they moved. She tugged cutely at his hair. "Quick, Ken-chan! There's CAKE!"

"A party for me? Waaah, what a beautiful sentiment! You shouldn't have, taichou!"

Shuuhei watched after the happy little family he'd been indoctrinated into, face screwed in comedic disbelief.

His brow ticked.

He'd…willingly…he'd… now he was…

What the hell was _wrong_ with him!

**END **


End file.
